i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
