I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
