I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
