You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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