I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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