Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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