I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
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The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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