Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
