Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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