I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
