if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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