I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
