Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
