I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
