I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
