I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
only you would photoshop your dick
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
