Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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