Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
