He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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