he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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