turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How external is "for external use only"?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
