The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
