Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
They have beer where we have blood.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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