if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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