....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
