i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
