Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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