she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
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