I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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