So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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