dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
