Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
