it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
