i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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