I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
