There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
