Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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