my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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