I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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