I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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