It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dear god my vagina.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
