i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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