I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
