it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
