So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
