He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
