11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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