i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
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If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize