she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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