I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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