did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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