wrigley field is MILF paradise
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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