your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
