Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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