You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
this just has baby written all over it
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
