My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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