We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
