I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
we have officially lost it.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you had me at cake vodka
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
